I’m in my fifties now, and fully feeling my power. But it wasn’t always so–for me, or for many of you. Think back to when you were little. As far back as you can remember. And now think about all of the ways—overt and subtle—that, as a young girl, you were told or shown you should behave. Maybe you got the message that you should be a good student. Or that you should be selfless. Or that you should stay small (literally and figuratively). That you should be “good,” quiet, nice, grateful, happy… Growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, I was told I should be less opinionated. That I should be more polite. That I should look more feminine. That I should wear dresses instead of pants.
Society bombards girls with so many shoulds that it’s not surprising that by the time we’re women, those shoulds become obligations that hijack our desires. And I don’t just mean our sexual desires, but our innate craving to unearth and explore all of the things that make us come alive—to feel like we’re empowered, contributing, and growing. An insidious list of shoulds take root in our minds and in our lives, becoming so intractable that we begin to believe they’re immovable facts of life. We tamp down our burning desires and turn our lives into a list of to-do’s. And we come to believe we’re not worthy of the time, money, or space we need to cultivate and pursue our desires. And we start to think—especially by midlife—that if we haven’t yet realized our passion or talent, we must not have or deserve to.
But women don’t fear their fire because they’re weak— it’s because they’re wise. They know there’s a price to be paid for being a woman who wants more. Society purposely puts up immovable obstacles to block you at every turn. That’s because society knows exactly what would happen if women were allowed or encouraged to want: The world would come undone. Without the mental and physical energy of women propping up the system, governments would fall, institutions would crumble, and traditional family systems would fall apart. To ensure that doesn’t happen, society shoulders women with so many burdens and responsibilities— from work to housework to caregiving—that they have little to no room in their lives to explore their desires.
I learned this first hand, when I founded Moms Demand Action from my kitchen table – with no relevant experience other than being a mom and a mid-level comms executive. Over the 11 years of my tenure, we grew to 10 million members and changed a lot of laws. I would never have believed that I could build something like this. I write about how to dismantle these beliefs and fears in my upcoming book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age, I wrote FIRED UP because I want all women to learn how to stop limiting their aspirations and start imagining what life would be like if the only question you asked yourself was, “What do I want?”
Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age
Too many of us are living on autopilot. We believe we’re too old, too busy, or too inexperienced to go after what we really want. But none of that is true. Our fire starts where all of our “shoulds” end. And in a world that wants women to make themselves smaller and smaller until they disappear, making a conscious choice to evade your obligations and embrace your desire is a radical, even political, act.
