By Laurie Gerber
Let’s face it, dating in the second half of life can be scary. Whether you’ve been out of the scene for decades or just don’t feel you can get the hang of connecting online, you likely have questions. Here are some answers.
Are the rumors about online dating true? Considering the potential for scams, liars, ghosting, ego damage, and just wasted time, there’s plenty to turn you off to the idea. On the other hand, dating effectively is a numbers game, and given the enormously large quantity of potential partners online, how could you not find a good match?
Just over one quarter of adults in the U.S. aged 50 and older who are single and looking to connect report using a dating app in the last year. According to the most recent statistics from the Pew Research Center, the U.S. Census, and IBISWorld, that’s nearly 4 million people.
Surely, if YOU exist, so does your match!
Finding your (next) soulmate or companion can be Heaven. Just don’t avoid going online because you fear that it’s inherently Hellish. What you experience online will be mostly up to you.
Look For Dates Where They Can Be Found
While it’s always been true that there are plenty of fish in the sea, the open ocean may feel a bit too vast. Today’s online dating sites offer something akin to stocked ponds full of highly qualified choices, depending on your tastes and preferences.
It’s certainly possible to meet eligible single people ‘out in the world. ‘ But how can you know that the people you happen to meet there are single, much less how compatible the two of you might be? Algorithms can be useful!
Many of those millions of other singles over 50 have likely also felt somewhat ‘at sea’ in their search for connection. But so many of them are also looking to be found, actively sending up flares in the form of their dating profiles.
Love at First Site? Be Prepared to Shop Around
Although not the most important factor in finding love, choosing the right online dating site is a key ingredient to having a good experience.
You may be overwhelmed by all the choices and features
When looking at sites analyze:
- Size
- Algorithms
- Personality tests
- Security
- Focus on 50+ community/Target Audience
- Price
- Negative feedback
I’ve heard lots of positive feedback about Match, Hinge, Bumble, OkCupid and Coffee Meets Bagel. Those are great sites to look at first because they are well-known and have huge user bases. But don’t be afraid to try a niche site that might focus on your religious background, age group or sexual health status!
Which site is best for you depends on where you are located, and what you are looking for. Don’t be afraid to Google “what’s the best site for (fill in the blank).”
Negative reviews should be considered as heavily as gossip—in other words, it may be useful information, but it’s just as likely highly subjective or sour grapes. Remember, users of these sites have overall positive experiences, but far fewer people report publicly on those!
The most exciting time on any new site will be when you first sign up. Make sure you have set aside the time and energy to engage at that time.
You May Need an Attitude Adjustment
Could online dating be fun and fruitful, instead of exhausting and demoralizing? You have a lot of control over that. Mindset matters.
Some best practices to set you up for success:
- Start with one or two sites, that’s all.
- Begin with a free trial or 1-month subscription to get a feel for the site. It’s not worth the few bucks you’ll save doing a longer subscription because you may find that you and the site are not a match.
- Make sure you have optimized your pictures and profile
- Pick a time each day you will spend 30 minutes looking online and messaging.
- Do a ritual before swiping that puts you in the right mood. Maybe a good meal? A bubble bath? Dancing to your favorite song? If your attitude becomes negative, take a break to refresh your thinking.
Great. You’re Online, Now What?
Once you’ve chosen your site(s) and launched your profile
- Only interact with people who meet your minimum criteria. The best part about online dating is that you can gauge pretty well if there is a possibility you could be attracted to a person. On a scale of 1-10, don’t bother with anyone under a 6.
- Beyond that, you have to actually read the profiles and make sure your head and heart are happy with the choice too (not just your hoo-ha!) Do their general life “facts” line up with yours? Are they geographically compatible? What are their politics? Interests? Is there intellectual compatibility?
If it’s not obvious whether someone meets your minimum practical criteria, that’s what you cover in the in-app text banter. Keep the banter going for 1-2 weeks to determine if the person:
- is interested and engaged with you
- has enough in common with you to be worth an in-person date
- feels right.
- After you get internal “yesses” on those 3 criteria, write “I’d like to hop on a 10-minute video chat to see if we have chemistry.” The moment of truth will then unfold. I know you might be thinking a video chat is a tough sell, but once you start practicing it as a “must,” you’ll understand its brilliance. First and foremost, it’s a safety protocol.
- If a site stops giving you a good amount of decent leads, research how to boost your action. Usually, updating your prompts and pictures helps; sometimes paying more helps. If you find you can no longer enjoy a site, find a new one.
Have Fun, But Stay Safe
If you feel unsafe dating online, it’s understandable. Are there scammers on dating sites and abusive people in the world? YES. Are most people scammers or abusive? NO!
Still, you need to be careful. Some tips for staying safe:
- If it smells fishy, move on
Please trust your instincts: if something isn’t adding up, it’s a HUGE red flag. Don’t ignore those.
- The video chat is a tell-all
Most scammers won’t be willing to put in that much time and effort, and seeing someone’s location and actual looks helps to validate the realness of whatever you’ve learned over text and through profiles.
- Personal information is personal
Don’t exchange personal information without developing trust. Most apps (and Google) make it possible for you to text and video call without sharing personal information until you feel comfortable.
- Meet in public—at least a few times
There is never a reason you need to be in someone’s home or car before you know them well. I recommend having at least a few dates in public, until you know for sure you want to explore a sexual relationship.
- Keep a friend in the loop
When you’re dating a new person, tell someone where you’ll be, and that you got home safely.
For a more robust list of safety guidelines read this.
If a person you want to date doesn’t appreciate your safety concerns, they are not your soulmate, trust me!
Finding love can be a long game but so worth it. Leaving any opportunity, like the huge numbers of potential dates you can find online, untapped is unwise. Whether you find your soulmate online or in the wild, you’ll be glad you did.
Laurie Gerber is a love and dating coach with 20 years of experience working with couples, individuals and groups. She’s been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts and has been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and more. Her dating advice can be found at lauriegerber.com
